#6: Hold Steady and Escape the Negativity Spiral in Conversations

The Negativity Creep

We don’t always realize when it’s happening.

Negativity seeps into conversations quietly. Sometimes it’s a habit with specific people. It can start as a small complaint about someone at work. Or maybe it’s a strong position about the things happening in our country or the world. It can be more personal, as a replay of old wounds with exes or family.

Most of the time it plays our as a subtle pleasure of having someone co-sign our pain.

It’s tempting. It can even feel like intimacy.

Yes, it’s a quick rush of agreement, a quick sharing in the easy path of commiserating together.

But is that the kind of bond you really want?
Is that what you want your heart to stand for?

FROM MY OWN LIFE

Just in the last few weeks, I noticed it with happening with one of my best friends.

We were having dinner after a long time not hanging out together. The conversation veered into politics: too many innocent people dying, too many innocent people getting expelled, our democracy under attack.

The tricky thing is that we agreed. We commiserated. We shared a sense of helpessness.

But I did notice something; the energy dropped. Hope leaked out.

I caught it midstream. I asked: “Is this lifting us up? Is this nurturing us? Can we steer it toward something more nourishing?”

Also this week, with a new friend, I head an old pattern in a new voice. She spoke of her ex with tangled bitterness. Even after 4 years of separation, she was still bitter about the new woman in her ex’s life.

I stayed present and listened.

But I didn’t collapse into her storm. Instead, I felt anchored. With my calm, perhaps I could calm and soften her too.

Does this sound familiar to you?

I could go on with many examples. Parents who share about misbehaving siblings. Co-workers who share the ways they were wronged by superiors. Even my own kids sharing about new stressors in their lives.

And guess what. I do it too, sometimes. Yes, guilty as charged.

Look, commiserating is an old strategy for bonding. It creates a common enemy and brings people together before a mutual problem. It’s a way to share emotions, to unload, to vent.

Understood.

But, is there more?

Is the kind of bond you really want? Probably not.
Is that what you want to be feeling? Probably not.
Are there deeper feelings getting triggered or masked under the shared complaints? Probably so.

So how can we LEAD? How can we be the ANCHOR? How can we bring US back?

THE TAKEAWAY
The Quiet Power of Leading

This is what I keep learning in intimacy: You don’t have to fix anyone.

And you don’t have to abandon yourself - your boundaries, your emotional true north, your emotional wellbeing.

You can stay steady in your own nervous system, your own values, your own desired emotions.

Imagine being an anchor. When the boat strays too far with the moving waters, the anchor gently tugs that boat back. With strength.

Or how about those maps apps on the phone? When you make a wrong turn, there’s always that “recalculating” to get you back on track, right? But that’s only because the app knows your desired destination.

When someone else offers you a script for negativity, you can gently invite your partner to pivot with you.

This is possible only when you know your desired state of mind.

QUESTIONS FOR AWARENESS

Here are a few questions to help nurture compassionate awareness.

FOR YOU:

• What do I feel underneath this story?

• How do I feel in this moment? Is there a darkness creeping in?

• Even deeper: is this story triggering fear, hurt, sadness, helplessness? Can I honor these feelings without letting them run the ship?

• What do I actually want to feel? Safe? Light? Connected? Hopeful?

FOR THE OTHER:

• How do they seem to feel in this conversation?

• Is there a darkness creeping in?

• Even deeper: is this triggering their fear, hurt, sadness, helplessness? Can we honor these without letting them take over?

FOR BOTH OF YOU:

• What do we want to feel together?

• What kind of experience do we want to enjoy?

• What kind of relationship do we want to strengthen?

How can you LEAD?

How might you help guide you both to a calmer space — not by force, but by gentle invitation?

THE PRACTICE
How to Shift from a Negative Conversation

Next time you notice a conversation turning dark or draining — especially with a loved one:

1. Set a time boundary.
Agree to limit how long you’ll stay in the tough space.

2. Check in.
When the timer ends, pause. Close your eyes.
Take turns answering three times:

Then ask:

3. Move.
Notice your body. Are you slumped, frowning, shallow breathing? Where are you in the room?

After your feelings check-in, move to another spot.

Shake it out. Put on a song and dance. Step outside for a walk.

Do anything that changes the anchor of negativity and sets a new anchor of possibility.

Then reframe:

4. Bonus — after 30 minutes:
Ask each other,

Remember, we’re not talking about ignoring the hard stuff.

Yes, the hard stuff needs to be healed. But two things are important”

1. It helps when we focus on the stuff we can change. Sometimes, this means changing our internal reactions to the things we cannot change.

2. The healing happens best in a safe space of love.

So lead towards that space
and always anchor in love.

Want to go deeper?

This short piece from Brown University shares how positive reframing — intentionally seeing challenges in a more constructive way — reduces stress and helps you feel more hopeful and empowered. By shifting focus from problems to possibilities, you train your mind to find meaning and opportunity, even in difficult situations.

This article from SELF magazine explores “lemonading,” a playful strategy for turning setbacks into growth by using humor, small joys, and new perspectives, helping you meet life’s challenges with more creativity and lightness.

Thanks for reading!

I’d love to know:

• How did this issue help you notice negative conversations?

• How did it help you lead towards positivity?

• How did it help your relationships?

Just click reply to this email. I read and feel every response.

Peacefully,
Leo

P.S. If you'd like support activating these practices in your relationships, feel free to reach out to see if 1:1 coaching can help.

Just reply or email [email protected] for more details.

HELD: In presence, in love, in truth.